Love Won't Tear Us Apart

Some of us like to get bombed and have no life then mock those who do have a life because it gives us a fleeting yet indigestible feeling of superiority. I can relate to this syndrome as I lived most of my life in blinkers too. These days I am truly thankful that I no longer need to impose my will upon others, my personal happiness meter reads normal at worst and mostly I feel pretty good about myself. The optimum word here is myself, the self that I am, the self that I desire to be, and the self that exists in each moment of my being.

In short I used to be an ass. I remember when my (ex)girlfriend's son crashed his car, fortunately no-one was hurt, no-one that is except me. His mother out of love for her son found time and energy to transport him to and from work, school, and social obligations, she did this expecting nothing despite the great personal cost to her own freedom. As a working single mom driving 35 mins each way to work and back each day this act of true love cost her energy and time and money that she already had too little of. When we dated we lived 70mins apart and she had been in the habit of visiting me, a single guy with no family obligations, on Wednesday evenings. When she no longer had energy or time to give me this attention I took it personally. I went on a bender. Not just on one Wednesday but on every Wednesday and on many other days and nights either side of those Wednesdays. I believed that my girlfriends son should have to save himself, I believed her attention should come to me first in my hour of need, and I let a resentment grow and fester and fester and rot until it took hold of anything beautiful that was left of our relationship and threw it upon the proverbial rocks. Consequently that wonderful woman is now only a memory to me. What I learned was that it might have been a good idea if maybe I had gone to visit my girlfriends son to find out if he was OK, maybe I could have used some of my spare time to drive him to and fro, maybe I could have picked up groceries, or helped in some way with the running of my girlfriends household, maybe I could have let go of my self centered self pity full ego and shown a little love. It was not love that tore us apart.

This lesson though painful, brought me to an epiphany. The key to personal happiness is to take care of the needs of others, to respect the efforts of others, to cultivate love, and to live the truth of who I am and who it is that I would like to become AT ALL TIMES, no matter what the imagined personal cost might be. My desire is to be one with humanity. The people I most respect, who are capable of helping me in the quest for this truth, my true friends, my teachers, are walking a similar path.

Belittling others serves no useful purpose. The unfortunate consequence of a person succumbing to feelings of superiority seems to be the reduction of their own personal power which only results in lessening their ability to love.